I think most people know I had a real struggle with emotions after Katie was born. My sadness was overwhelming at times and then my guilt for feeling sad seemed to eclipse the sadness which resulted in a vicious sadness-guilt cycle that left me a blubbering mess. I often look back on those first few weeks/months after she was born and wonder what I could've done differently. Guilt creeps back in for the delayed bonding and the tears that were shed over someone that I came to adore beyond comprehension. Because I am a control freak, I have tried to assign a reason for becoming so sad...After all, not all women experience post partum depression - so I wanted to tell myself why it happened to me.
I know full well that most of it was just the hormones and that every woman has different experiences after birth. But there's a little part of me that needs more of an explanation for everything that went through my head and heart after Katie was born. The only logical (as if any of this is logical) explanation that I came up with on my own is that we weren't "trying" to get pregnant with Katie. We obviously weren't trying to NOT get pregnant - but her birth and our becoming parents was not the end to some glorious dream that Doug and I had shared together and worked towards for any amount of time. I remember goals I worked toward in school or in athletics or other aspects of life - and every time I achieved one, the feeling was exhilarating - I always felt satisfied with myself and so proud of my work and determination. I displayed trophies proudly, couldn't wait to tell my grandparents where I was going to college, and never wanted to contain my excitement about finally meeting the man of my dreams and convincing him that he needed to marry me.
But becoming a parent was different. Of course, I always wanted to be a parent - and Doug and I had definitely discussed kids and were well within our time frame of having kids when we got pregnant - but I just didn't go about it in my usual way of goal setting and achievement. I read the typical books about "What to Expect" and how to get your baby to sleep, etc but it just never really took root in my soul what was happening to our lives. Her birth and the emotions that followed were beyond anything the books talked about it...beyond anything any of my friends had talked about. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks and I was woefully unprepared. But through prayer and wise counsel with anyone that would listen to me, I made it through those first few months and found my identity as a mother and life-giver to my precious daughter.
Katie is everything I could ever have wanted in a child. She teaches me more than I could ever possibly teach her. She is fantastic in every way. Our love for Katie grows with every passing day and our love for Katie as our child is what made us want to have another child. Because of our "extended adjustment period" after she was born, it took us quite a while to fully admit we would want to have another child. Around the time she was 9-12 months, we finally stopped saying "if" we have another child and changed our tune to "when." We were back on track with our original "life plan" of having two kids. We had always said "one when Doug was 30 and one when I was 30." Ironically enough, Katie was born about 7 months after Doug turned 30 so even though we weren't trying - she came along right where we wanted.
I turned 30 in September 2010 and the milestone didn't bother. I had an awesome party with friends and family from all over to celebrate with me. I was excited about what the new decade was going to bring. But 31 was really hard for me. Thirty-one was one year past 30. Outside of MY plan of a child when Doug was 30 and a child when I was 30. We had been trying to get pregnant for about a year at that point and nothing was happening. I was on some fertility medicine that made me even more hormonal and crazy than normal. We agreed to do 4 cycles of the fertility medicine and would then reassess what was going on.
The last doses of the medicine were in October and were unsuccessful. We were in the midst of our busiest time of year with football, birthdays, anniversaries, and upcoming major holidays. I wanted a break for the extra emotions and the constant preoccupation with "trying." I told Doug I wanted to get through our anniversary (November 6), Katie's birthday (November 14), and then try to enjoy the holidays as a family of three.
My ObGyn had already recommended a fertility specialist in town to see and we'd already set up the referral. I called them and told them I would call them in January for an appointment. When I called in early January, they said they wanted to see me on a certain day of my cycle so to call them once I started that month and make the appointment for the right day. So I waited about a week knowing I would start soon and nothing happened. I gave myself another few days to start and then decided to take a pregnancy test because I honestly couldn't think when I was supposed to start. I had literally shut my mind off of all of the day counting, etc since October. I grabbed a test from under the bathroom sink where there were about 7 empty boxes of pregnancy tests and many boxes of ovulation kits. I took the test and there was one pink line and one very hazy line. It was definitely two lines, but not really two pink lines.
I wasn't convinced. So I took another one and the same hazy line appeared. Still not knowing exactly what that meant, I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment for a week or so later. Doug and I tried not to get our hopes up - my body had been doing some pretty weird things for the last year and a half and nothing felt certain from a hazy line. We went to the appointment in late January and the doctor gave us our confirmation! We were pregnant! We were thrilled beyond belief. We told family and friends over the next few weeks and enjoyed the excitement that comes with announcing a pregnancy.
I had bad nausea up until about 20 weeks. I'm feeling much better now but am just already feeling big. I can't imagine what the summer holds for me temperature wise! A hefty electric bill is in our future for sure. We found out on April 23 that we're having a boy! We are excited to have a gender balance in the family and are having fun thinking of names and themes for a nursery and discussing how a little baby boy should be dressed. I've been banned from bubbles and john-johns but we're negotiating.
I am overwhelmed with a thankful heart to God for allowing us to get pregnant. I know that the 18 months we tried to get pregnant is nothing compared to what many people go through. I know the tears I cried from disappointment of negative tests and blank ultrasound screens pale in comparison to the struggles and battles many families experience trying to have a child. But it was painful and difficult nonetheless. It was a strain on our marriage at times. It was a strain on my relationship with Katie. I felt an emptiness over something that was never mine to begin with. It was an emptiness I can't fully explain or understand.
I am grateful beyond words for the gift God has given us in our son. I am thrilled to be his mother and I haven't even met him yet. I feel full with excitement for what's to come in our lives. I am trying not to dwell on the changes that will certainly come with the addition of a new child and just enjoy this time we have together to prepare our house and our hearts for him. It's amazing how easily I can forget how badly we wanted this when I am sick or tired or scared about going back to the baby stage. I worry about the post partum depression. What if it's worse this time...especially after I diagnosed my depression as being a result of not "trying" to get pregnant with Katie. I know these thoughts are not from God and are nothing but detrimental to me. I try to stop them at their root and pray and just thank God for the opportunity he's given our family.
We are so thankful to friends and family who prayed with us, for us, and over us while we tried to get pregnant. What an awesome support group we have. We look forward to sharing with you in the days, months, and years to come the fruits of your prayer!
I turned 30 in September 2010 and the milestone didn't bother. I had an awesome party with friends and family from all over to celebrate with me. I was excited about what the new decade was going to bring. But 31 was really hard for me. Thirty-one was one year past 30. Outside of MY plan of a child when Doug was 30 and a child when I was 30. We had been trying to get pregnant for about a year at that point and nothing was happening. I was on some fertility medicine that made me even more hormonal and crazy than normal. We agreed to do 4 cycles of the fertility medicine and would then reassess what was going on.
The last doses of the medicine were in October and were unsuccessful. We were in the midst of our busiest time of year with football, birthdays, anniversaries, and upcoming major holidays. I wanted a break for the extra emotions and the constant preoccupation with "trying." I told Doug I wanted to get through our anniversary (November 6), Katie's birthday (November 14), and then try to enjoy the holidays as a family of three.
My ObGyn had already recommended a fertility specialist in town to see and we'd already set up the referral. I called them and told them I would call them in January for an appointment. When I called in early January, they said they wanted to see me on a certain day of my cycle so to call them once I started that month and make the appointment for the right day. So I waited about a week knowing I would start soon and nothing happened. I gave myself another few days to start and then decided to take a pregnancy test because I honestly couldn't think when I was supposed to start. I had literally shut my mind off of all of the day counting, etc since October. I grabbed a test from under the bathroom sink where there were about 7 empty boxes of pregnancy tests and many boxes of ovulation kits. I took the test and there was one pink line and one very hazy line. It was definitely two lines, but not really two pink lines.
I wasn't convinced. So I took another one and the same hazy line appeared. Still not knowing exactly what that meant, I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment for a week or so later. Doug and I tried not to get our hopes up - my body had been doing some pretty weird things for the last year and a half and nothing felt certain from a hazy line. We went to the appointment in late January and the doctor gave us our confirmation! We were pregnant! We were thrilled beyond belief. We told family and friends over the next few weeks and enjoyed the excitement that comes with announcing a pregnancy.
I had bad nausea up until about 20 weeks. I'm feeling much better now but am just already feeling big. I can't imagine what the summer holds for me temperature wise! A hefty electric bill is in our future for sure. We found out on April 23 that we're having a boy! We are excited to have a gender balance in the family and are having fun thinking of names and themes for a nursery and discussing how a little baby boy should be dressed. I've been banned from bubbles and john-johns but we're negotiating.
I am overwhelmed with a thankful heart to God for allowing us to get pregnant. I know that the 18 months we tried to get pregnant is nothing compared to what many people go through. I know the tears I cried from disappointment of negative tests and blank ultrasound screens pale in comparison to the struggles and battles many families experience trying to have a child. But it was painful and difficult nonetheless. It was a strain on our marriage at times. It was a strain on my relationship with Katie. I felt an emptiness over something that was never mine to begin with. It was an emptiness I can't fully explain or understand.
I am grateful beyond words for the gift God has given us in our son. I am thrilled to be his mother and I haven't even met him yet. I feel full with excitement for what's to come in our lives. I am trying not to dwell on the changes that will certainly come with the addition of a new child and just enjoy this time we have together to prepare our house and our hearts for him. It's amazing how easily I can forget how badly we wanted this when I am sick or tired or scared about going back to the baby stage. I worry about the post partum depression. What if it's worse this time...especially after I diagnosed my depression as being a result of not "trying" to get pregnant with Katie. I know these thoughts are not from God and are nothing but detrimental to me. I try to stop them at their root and pray and just thank God for the opportunity he's given our family.
We are so thankful to friends and family who prayed with us, for us, and over us while we tried to get pregnant. What an awesome support group we have. We look forward to sharing with you in the days, months, and years to come the fruits of your prayer!
1 Samuel 1:27
For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him.
3 comments:
So so excited for Baby Boy Jones! Thank you for sharing your heart. You are a better mother and person for these things you have experienced and sharing them with others brings glory to our Father. Thank you for reminding me today of my precious gifts from God!
Well said, Rachel! I'm so happy and excited for your little boy to arrive. And just remember - whatever his first weeks and months bring -- they will pass quickly! You're an amazing Mom and you can handle whatever God has in store for you! I'm praying you'll only have tears of joy.
I don't know that you've ever written anything so beautiful. As Melissa said, you are such a good mother. I am continuously thankful my Katie bug has you to influence her life and to love her so very much.
Mom J.
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