Sunrise, Sunset

My mom sends me multiple emails each day containing various and sundry details of her day, Katie's day, friends of friends' days, songs going through her head or thoughts she had while making lunch. Each one typically gets some sort of roll of the eyes from me which is okay because she can't see me reading them! But finally TODAY - something fun in the email! I posted the picture on the left a few weeks ago after we spent an afternoon at the lake with Marshall and Lindsay. This morning, my mom emailed me the picture on the right of the two of us when I was little. I'm sure it's the pregnancy hormones, but it made me cry.

I totally remember that red camera in her hands and my pink jellies. I can't figure out what animal I'm holding - but it reminds me of how Katie is never very far from her favorite stuffed animal! I wonder what's going through my head in the picture...Am I mad or anxious or is the sun in my eyes? Regardless, my mom's got her arm around me and that seems to make everything better.

The pictures made me think of a song from Fiddler on the Roof that my mom and grandmother used to sing to us whenever it seemed like we'd grown a foot overnight or just completed some monumental achievement like kindergarten or YMCA soccer.

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

Three and a Half

How is my baby girl 3 1/2 years old already? And how has she only been a part of our lives for 3 1/2 years? I feel like she's growing up daily right before our eyes. She's learning so many new things and absorbing just about everything.

Katie will finish preschool for the year next week and I am amazed at what all she has learned this year. The biggest things in my mind are using scissors and recognizing letters and their sounds. She's still not great at writing her letters or really much of anything other than scribbling, but she's getting better. She seems to have really enjoyed school and talks about her friends and teachers there a lot.

We haven't been to the dentist yet - I know I need to get on that like yesterday! I've been trying to show her pictures of friends whose moms have blogged about the dentist to show her it's not scary...But considering I'd rather have a month full of Mondays than go to the dentist, it feels like one big fat lie!

Katie loves to play outside, especially now with the play set in the backyard. She likes to play chase and a few semi-made up games called Base and Steal the Treasure. They all boil down to running around the back yard chasing each other. She also loves to play doctor to her animals - so I guess she likes to pretend to be a vet. She sticks band-aids on them and wraps them in blankets and does everything she can to heal them. She got a puppy and vet kit for Christmas and it's been her favorite toy ever since...If you've seen Katie since Christmas, she likely had Max the Pink Puppy close by her side. She loves getting new stuffed animals. Someone at Doug's office gave him a bag full of them a few months back and I pull one out to give her every now and then. She also seems to finagle new animals out of Target or WalMart trips. Once the new animal comes home, we spend literally close to an hour introducing the new animal to all her other friends.

She is still a very picky eater. Meat is probably her least favorite, but she loves pepperonis. She eats fruit and bread better than anything and never seems to eat much at meal time so I try to make snack time as healthy as possible. She can flip flop her tastes on a daily basis...one day she'll eat chicken nuggets and then the next day she acts like she's never even heard of them.

She is quite the talker...I remember thinking she'd never talk and everyone telling me that she'd start one day and never stop. They. Were. Right. A few of my favorite Katie-isms are...the way she says 'forehead.' She calls it a 'headford.' And she bumps it frequently on something so she's usually crying as it comes out. It's adorable and precious and I can't bear to tell her she's saying it wrong. She also still makes most double consonant sounds into an 'f' sound and it's really cute. Not something I worry about anymore as she's grown out of most of her other speech patterns. When she tells me she loves me, I always respond that makes me the luckiest person in the world...Somehow, she's gotten it mixed up in her head and she leads with that now...She'll tell me I'm really lucky and when I ask why, she says it's because she loves me. So humble!

Katie's worst behavior issues right now are not listening well at home. She rarely does something the first time she is asked which is trying our patience like no other. She does great in public for the most part, which I am incredibly thankful for - but at home, it's as if she making up for the good little girl she appears to be in public. And it only seems to intensify at bedtime. It may be because Doug and I are looking forward to spending time together or because she's tired and getting cranky - but bedtime usually ends with at least 2 of the 3 of us in a bad mood. We are working on listening and acknowledging the times she's being a good listener so that it doesn't feel like we're criticizing her all the time.

Katie is really sweet and sensitive. She wants to take care of her friends if they're sad. She has been very conscious of me not feeling well throughout the pregnancy and has asked me many times if I am feeling okay. She has seen me cry several times (from hormone overload, of course) and she gets so bothered by it. She starts to cry herself and it's so sad to see her get so sad at me being sad...Poor Doug having to put up with all these girl issues!!!

Katie is also pretty funny. She likes to reword songs or books to make them funny and then ask us if we thought it was funny. She likes to make funny faces and has certain looks that I'm sure are from some aged soul that has taken root inside of her...She can almost raise one eyebrow and can practically cross her eyes while making goofy grins! She keeps us entertained for sure.

Katie is a daily struggle, but an even bigger daily victory or reward. She lights up our lives in ways we never knew were dark. She is fascinating to watch as she learns more and more things about life. Her love for life is inspiring and I hope she keeps that spark forever.

Happy Half Birthday Bugs! We love you.

Everything's Better with Friends!

My two best friends from college were in town recently to celebrate their (not so) little brother's college graduation. In grand Brown fashion - they crammed several big events into one weekend since most of their family lives in different states. The weekend was capped off with a baby shower for Lauren who is due with a precious baby girl about a week after me! It was so much fun to be able to spend time together and swap pregnancy hormone stories and try to one-up each other on who is going to have it worst with the heat this summer (she lives in San Antonio). I am loving traveling down this road of pregnancy together but sad that we won't get to be there for each other's births...Physical distance hasn't come between us since graduating so we won't let it keep our children from marrying each other either.

I absolutely loved spending time with Lauren and Kristina - albeit far not enough time! It feels so comfortable every time they're around like no time has passed at all and that they still live here. But - the weekend ended and they each headed back to their homes and their husbands but not before we created more fun memories and shared laughs about many old ones! I love you girls!

 

I Wasn't Expecting This...

I think most people know I had a real struggle with emotions after Katie was born. My sadness was overwhelming at times and then my guilt for feeling sad seemed to eclipse the sadness which resulted in a vicious sadness-guilt cycle that left me a blubbering mess. I often look back on those first few weeks/months after she was born and wonder what I could've done differently. Guilt creeps back in for the delayed bonding and the tears that were shed over someone that I came to adore beyond comprehension. Because I am a control freak, I have tried to assign a reason for becoming so sad...After all, not all women experience post partum depression - so I wanted to tell myself why it happened to me. 

I know full well that most of it was just the hormones and that every woman has different experiences after birth. But there's a little part of me that needs more of an explanation for everything that went through my head and heart after Katie was born. The only logical (as if any of this is logical) explanation that I came up with on my own is that we weren't "trying" to get pregnant with Katie. We obviously weren't trying to NOT get pregnant - but her birth and our becoming parents was not the end to some glorious dream that Doug and I had shared together and worked towards for any amount of time. I remember goals I worked toward in school or in athletics or other aspects of life - and every time I achieved one, the feeling was exhilarating - I always felt satisfied with myself and so proud of my work and determination. I displayed trophies proudly, couldn't wait to tell my grandparents where I was going to college,  and never wanted to contain my excitement about finally meeting the man of my dreams and convincing him that he needed to marry me.

But becoming a parent was different. Of course, I always wanted to be a parent - and Doug and I had definitely discussed kids and were well within our time frame of having kids when we got pregnant - but I just didn't go about it in my usual way of goal setting and achievement. I read the typical books about "What to Expect" and how to get your baby to sleep, etc but it just never really took root in my soul what was happening to our lives. Her birth and the emotions that followed were beyond anything the books talked about it...beyond anything any of my friends had talked about. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks and I was woefully unprepared. But through prayer and wise counsel with anyone that would listen to me, I made it through those first few months and found my identity as a mother and life-giver to my precious daughter.

Katie is everything I could ever have wanted in a child. She teaches me more than I could ever possibly teach her. She is fantastic in every way. Our love for Katie grows with every passing day and our love for Katie as our child is what made us want to have another child. Because of our "extended adjustment period" after she was born, it took us quite a while to fully admit we would want to have another child. Around the time she was 9-12 months, we finally stopped saying "if" we have another child and changed our tune to "when." We were back on track with our original "life plan" of having two kids. We had always said "one when Doug was 30 and one when I was 30." Ironically enough, Katie was born about 7 months after Doug turned 30 so even though we weren't trying - she came along right where we wanted.

I turned 30 in September 2010 and the milestone didn't bother. I had an awesome party with friends and family from all over to celebrate with me. I was excited about what the new decade was going to bring. But 31 was really hard for me. Thirty-one was one year past 30. Outside of MY plan of a child when Doug was 30 and a child when I was 30. We had been trying to get pregnant for about a year at that point and nothing was happening. I was on some fertility medicine that made me even more hormonal and crazy than normal. We agreed to do 4 cycles of the fertility medicine and would then reassess what was going on.

The last doses of the medicine were in October and were unsuccessful. We were in the midst of our busiest time of year with football, birthdays, anniversaries, and upcoming major holidays. I wanted a break for the extra emotions and the constant preoccupation with "trying." I told Doug I wanted to get through our anniversary (November 6), Katie's birthday (November 14), and then try to enjoy the holidays as a family of three.

My ObGyn had already recommended a fertility specialist in town to see and we'd already set up the referral. I called them and told them I would call them in January for an appointment. When I called in early January, they said they wanted to see me on a certain day of my cycle so to call them once I started that month and make the appointment for the right day. So I waited about a week knowing I would start soon and nothing happened. I gave myself another few days to start and then decided to take a pregnancy test because I honestly couldn't think when I was supposed to start. I had literally shut my mind off of all of the day counting, etc since October. I grabbed a test from under the bathroom sink where there were about 7 empty boxes of pregnancy tests and many boxes of ovulation kits. I took the test and there was one pink line and one very hazy line. It was definitely two lines, but not really two pink lines.

I wasn't convinced. So I took another one and the same hazy line appeared. Still not knowing exactly what that meant, I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment for a week or so later. Doug and I tried not to get our hopes up - my body had been doing some pretty weird things for the last year and a half and nothing felt certain from a hazy line. We went to the appointment in late January and the doctor gave us our confirmation! We were pregnant! We were thrilled beyond belief. We told family and friends over the next few weeks and enjoyed the excitement that comes with announcing a pregnancy.

I had bad nausea up until about 20 weeks. I'm feeling much better now but am just already feeling big. I can't imagine what the summer holds for me temperature wise! A hefty electric bill is in our future for sure. We found out on April 23 that we're having a boy! We are excited to have a gender balance in the family and are having fun thinking of names and themes for a nursery and discussing how a little baby boy should be dressed. I've been banned from bubbles and john-johns but we're negotiating.

I am overwhelmed with a thankful heart to God for allowing us to get pregnant. I know that the 18 months we tried to get pregnant is nothing compared to what many people go through. I know the tears I cried from disappointment of negative tests and blank ultrasound screens pale in comparison to the struggles and battles many families experience trying to have a child. But it was painful and difficult nonetheless. It was a strain on our marriage at times. It was a strain on my relationship with Katie. I felt an emptiness over something that was never mine to begin with. It was an emptiness I can't fully explain or understand.

I am grateful beyond words for the gift God has given us in our son. I am thrilled to be his mother and I haven't even met him yet. I feel full with excitement for what's to come in our lives. I am trying not to dwell on the changes that will certainly come with the addition of a new child and just enjoy this time we have together to prepare our house and our hearts for him. It's amazing how easily I can forget how badly we wanted this when I am sick or tired or scared about going back to the baby stage. I worry about the post partum depression. What if it's worse this time...especially after I diagnosed my depression as being a result of not "trying" to get pregnant with Katie. I know these thoughts are not from God and are nothing but detrimental to me. I try to stop them at their root and pray and just thank God for the opportunity he's given our family.

We are so thankful to friends and family who prayed with us, for us, and over us while we tried to get pregnant. What an awesome support group we have. We look forward to sharing with you in the days, months, and years to come the fruits of your prayer!

1 Samuel 1:27

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him.

Is it Done Yet?

We've been wanting to get a play set for the backyard for over a year now. But in our grand Jones tradition of  doing things, we just didn't get around to it. We finally took some time to sit down and do some real price comparisons and reading reviews and pulled the trigger on buying one. Doug and our dads spent one full Saturday putting it together and a little time on Sunday doing the finishing touches. The total assembly time was just shy of 14 hours (13 according to our calculations). Doug and my dad were pretty proud of that since the instruction manual said it would take 14-20 hours. Here's the finished product being enjoyed by the patient Katie.

So far - this bench and bar area is her favorite part. We've pretended it's a vet's office where she fixes all her animals. She diagnoses them with various ailments such as dirt-on-your-tail-osis and string-on-your-arm-itis. It's also been Moe's where she makes Moo Moo tacos for us.

Ah, the wave runner board. Her cousin Dylan taught her how to surf on it with just one foot. She's pretty excited about that. She likes to yell "Kungafunga Dude!" You can also see the monkey bars around the back of the play set. Someone has been using them for doing pull-ups. It's not me and it's not Katie.

Scoping out the slide...She's bumped her head a few times before sliding down but doesn't seem to mind.

This is my favorite part of the whole thing. A little playhouse on the top complete with door and a bay window. I can definitely foresee little kids getting their fingers shut in the door - but for now, I can envision a lifetime of laughter and playing house, right?

The "is it done yet daddy?" count reached the thousands, I'm sure by the time the weekend was over. She was eager to help when she could and ready to play as soon as she got the all clear from her daddy!